Annoying little man

Aviation CEOs will tomorrow make a dramatic pledge to slash their personal emissions in half by 2050. Aviation consultant, Bob Dixon, commented: “This news will be welcomed around the world as, frankly, we’re all sick and tired of airline CEOs bleating endlessly on and on and on about how hard-done-by they are.”

Particularly welcome is the fact that Willie Walsh and Michael O’Leary, Irish CEOs of BA and Ryanair respectively, have agreed to reduce their constant whining and whingeing emissions to 50 per cent of their 2005 levels. Continued Bob Dixon: “Normally, the Irish accent is a soft, lilting, lyrical sound but listening to Wash and O’Leary is like listening to an Irish jump jockey who’s been tossed off his mount onto something extremely sharp.”

Commenting on the announcement, climate change minister Ed Miliband, said: “While in global terms reducing airline CEO emissions will not make a significant difference to halting climate change, it will add significantly to the quality of life of those of us who have been forced to experience the unchecked emissions from these men until now.”

A conference manager testing the sound equipment

The fog of confusion surrounding the new Lib Dem ‘mansion tax’ announced in Bournemouth yesterday has been clarified by a party spokesperson: “The reason Nick Clegg was unable to answer any of the detailed questions surrounding our new flagship £1m house tax, is that the press were actually asking an innocent passer-by whom they mistook for Mr Clegg.”

The passer-by in question, a Mr Geoffrey Butterworth, recounted his ordeal: “I just popped in to the conference centre for quick a pee on my way to work when this angry mob carrying cameras and microphones surrounded me and started shouting questions at me all at once … they kept asking me about house price valuations and local income tax … I was absolutely terrified … I can assure you I won’t be prevailing myself of the facilities in this establishment ever again.”

BBC political correspondent, Nick Robinson, who was part of the mob of journalists, said: “We’re very sorry for frightening Mr Butterworth but how the hell were we supposed to know he wasn’t Nick Clegg … we saw a man in a suit who clearly wasn’t Vince Cable and so naturally assumed it must be him. All the other delegates are dressed in cardigans and corduroy …”

At the time of the ‘assault’ on Mr Butterworth, Mr Clegg was at the podium in the main auditorium delivering his keynote address to rows of empty seats after delegates mistook him for a conference manager testing the sound equipment and popped out for a cup of tea.

Someone cutting something

“Let’s be absolutely clear … cuts are now an unavoidable part of all our lives. It’s time to cut-to-the-chase with some hard talking. So, I pledge to cut the following if Labour is returned to power after the next general election: my hair, the grass, bread, cards, and Mandelson’s throat … however, let’s be absolutely clear, I won’t cut the meaningless rhetoric from my speeches and you will never see me cutting-a-dash. So let’s hear no more of this silly talk about me being afraid to cut things …” (cut to pre-recorded footage of overweight, middle-aged men clapping and cheering)

Speaking from Chanel No.10 Downing Quality Street, the Primark minister, Gordon’s Gin Brown said: “Easing the rules around product placement will bring in Wrigley’s Extra revenue for commercial broadcasters in an unobtrusive Milky Way – a kind of Double Decker win-Windows situation. We are not making this decision under Durex from commercial broadcasters.”

He continued: “I’ve no Time for questions, I need to Heinz Ketchup with the latest situation with our Heroes in Hellmann’s Province via Direct Line to Kabul.”

'Inter-agenda status'

‘Agenda’ tests carried out on Gordon Brown have proved inconclusive and heightened the controversy surrounding his political leanings, leading to the possibility of his exclusion from future competitions for power. The tests seem to reveal that Mr Brown has ‘inter-agenda status’.

Professor Bob Cresswell, who carried out the tests, explained: “The tests were designed to decide conclusively whether Gordon Brown has predominantly left or right wing political leanings. Unfortunately, the test results are inconclusive and reveal that Mr Brown swings violently from one extreme to the other in response to popular opinion.”

The scale of the scandal surrounding MG Rover was revealed today in all its gory detail.

Said one former MG Rover worker: “I’m simply stunned at how this could possibly be justified on any level. It’s a fantastical story of greed and waste and lack of accountability.”

He continued: “How could the government spend £16m of taxpayers’ money on an 830-page report which tells us nothing we didn’t already know?”